“Prof Okoth” by Oprah Oyugi

Friday 13th Sept, 2013

8.43pm

Yuko kwa gari. Eh, Hapo Koinange. chuckle Mboss!! wify hardcore – MBAYA!
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Ah-ah si eti…. Kuna ka-vodoo kamechomolewa yaani–
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Relax relax boss. Yaani–
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Nkt! Sasa? Niende nimnyang’anye ama?
– – Sasawa. Yes sir. Sorry sir. Ntaacha. Ako kwa simu. Kicheko hivi hivi… Mzee? Mzee?
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Ah ok ok malizana basi.
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He-he. Ameshikanisha?
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Uko sure unadai ii story bana, juu, kuna venye–
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Ah-ah, relax mzee, kuakikisha tu. Haina was
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Beberu huyo amecho-moka! Anaishia … shit! Najikata. Acha nikuchunie.
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Yaani kukupigia. Nakupigia

9.04pm
Ah, pole mzee, karibu anicheki bana. Lakini usijali, mimi ni yule Mrong’! Starro in the game! Senior Detective Ng’ang’aricous hapa!
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hahah ok ok. Mzaha tu, usimind. Tuko kwa ile church inakuaga karibu na ofisi zenu.
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Ah-ah, si hiyo, yenye iko karibu na Nyayo House. Ile ya Wacathoo.
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Baas! Holy Family. Ee, hapo. Kako na kajamaa.
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Ah wee! Kwani lazma ujue every?
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Iza bana iza.
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Yaani pole. Nimesikia, haina was. Relax. Ni kajamaa kadogo hivi, mifupa tupu, miaka dhate ikizidi. – –
Usiniharakishe bana. Nakushow. Amechoma kasuti nyeudhi, na shades. laughing heh ii Nairobi watu wataniua.
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Duu. Mweusi ha! Huyu ni giza anatembea. Mjaka mjaka ama mluhya hivi
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Ntakushow wakido ene.

9.24pm
Mheshimiwa! Uko?
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Kagari ka gova kamewatake.
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VW Pasaat, number plate, kitu ka GK B965 ama sijui ni S, sijacheki poa.
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Kuna Dere, passenger wa mbele na nyuma. Wamejaa watano
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ni wanaume wote lakini siko sure. Niko, on their nose! Ama ni trail? On their trail

9.51pm
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Eeh Mheshimiwa?
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Sunajua tu Furahi-day. -laughing- Jam iko Mombasa road inatosha kupaka mikate Nairobi nzima!
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As in, kumeshikana vibaya.
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Kuna jam!
-mumbling under breathe- ujinga nayo?
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Sijasema any. Fuck! Fuck! Karao karao. Fuuuuuck!
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Duu! Wanacheck kila msee
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Zii, niko na license na hizo vitu zote
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Ah ah, nilikushow mi msee wa God. Sishikishangi…
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Errm, shida ni, shida ni
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Kuna mandeng’a nilibeba kwa boot.
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Kwani unadhani wewe ndo mteja pekee yako? Ni kashosho fulani kalinituma.
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Walahi watanishika aki please please waongeleshe. Tafadhali
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-Sound of car stopping and window winding down-
[Gruff Afande voice] Habari ya leo kijana
Safi safi boss. Mmeamua leo ni kushughulikia nchi
[Afande voice] Kama kawaida. Wakenya huwa wajinga weekendi. Wacha tuone kama tunaezaipunguza kidogo tu. Puliza kwenye kitambo.
Ah mazee, venye wasee wamepiga hiyo kitu mate.
[Afande] Utapuliza ama uvute hewa stesheni.
Sawa sawa.
-sound of him blowing out and a long pause.-
[Afande] Fungua hapo nyuma
Afande, kuna venye…
[Afande] Sina time nani. Fungua!
Duu! Chill chill, ongea na huyu mzae.
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[Afande] Hallo. Nani huyu?
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[Afande] Aah, mheshimiwa vipi?
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[Afande] Eeh bana! Ni kasafi, leo hakajaonja. Lakini uso ni jasho tupu. Umemwekea nini kwa boot?
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[Afande] Aah ooh. Safi sana mzee.
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[Afande] Sasawa. -silence as something is passed- Ka thao tano ka chai. Ekelea
Lakini si umebonga na mzee.
[Afande] Eeh, yeye ndo mwenye kusema
Acha nimwulize
[Afande] Sawa basi, Ukipiganga simu, acha niangaliange boot. Fungua!
Duu duu mazee
[Afande] Ekelea kabla ijae sita.
-sound of pockets ruffling. Paper rustling and coins clanking-
[Afande] Weeee! Umesikia shilingi zinatumiwa siku hizi. Ekelea manoti baba. Hata hazijai. Useless! Kwerrah!
-sound of car driving off-
Aki bana umesikia venye beast amenigonga. Sasa mbona ulinishow nimchotee
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Ah relax mani. Hawajaenda mbal-. Shit!
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Hahah nakuchezea tu. Hiyo thao tano lakini
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Nilijua tu alinigonga. Fuck!
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Sasawa

10.47pm
Mzee! Mzee!
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Itabidi niwhisper. Tumefika place ingine apa Emba. Wameshuka wanachapia mguu.
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Eish! niwafuate ndio?
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Sawa basi. Lakini mimi huaga night blind. Sioni ene bana.
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Hiyo – ntaona
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Sawa sawa. Seriousness. Kuna kimbodyguard ivi. Huo mwingine anakaa-
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Shiiieeet!
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Mzee… Acha tu ntakushow baadaye.
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Tulizaaa. Nakudungia. Bibi yako ako na…
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Aki nisiseme.
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Ako na Prof.
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Walahi aki!
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Ati najuaje, nani hajui Prof! Si ni yule wazimu wa Health?! Apana aki, job yangu inadie apa.
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Ati? Unadhani sijafanya job na maboyz wake? Ii raia ni mnyama!
…
Ah–ah, skiza tutado hivi–
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Duu. Story ni hii–
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Skiza mzae, Ingiza chwaki kwa account, nimekushow penye wife yuko–
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– ucome umchukue.
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Ah-ah Mheshimiwa –ucome
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– msee comia wife
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Ati mangapi?
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Uko serious?
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Sawa. Na ujue najua penye bibi na watoto wako. Usinijaribu.
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Alafu, kabla nijiingize kwa noma, unajua story ya hao wasee – wife na Prof? Kaback story, kahistory? Usinifiche.
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JEHOVAH! Ah-Ah.
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Hii ni noma aki. Wee unajua wachinku wakiingia kwa hii mix…
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Na amekuwa akifanya hivi chini ya maji for how long?
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Wah! Eh, huyu alikupenda aki. Ama, hajui Prof yeye.
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Eh, ii ni noma. Walahi utaongeza senti. Wacha nione chenye ntado. Omba aki. Omba hadi magoti iishe juu penye bibi yuko, mzee ulimess.
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Haaiya. Ntakuchorea.

11.27pm

-whispering-
Mazee Mhesh, kuna venye hii story sidaishi tena.
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Nasema, sidaishi. Utaongeza volume kwa simu juu mimi sitashikwa na ii nyang’au.
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Niko nyuma ya nyumba nyingine hapa.
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Ukiingia Emba kwa hiyo barabara iko chini ya flyover
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Eeh, unaifuata kedo dakika twenty halafu kukianza kuwa kimsitu msitu hivi, chapia left. Ukifuata hiyo barabara ya mchanga utafika kwa kifence bigi. Alipark mbali kidogo, kabla uchape hiyo left.
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Wameshinda ndani ya keja kedo 15.
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Wueh! Ati mimi niingie wapi? Una jokes! Una mchezo daddy!
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Ukajua niko metre kumi kutoka hiyo gate. Ukuwe unaomba Mungu tatu at least
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Shhh! Shh! Kuna mtu anatoka.
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whine
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Mzee! Shiida! -line cut-

Saturday 14th Sept, 2013

00:03am

very low whisper
Mzee, Mungu wako amejam, MBAYA!
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Watu watatu. Walitoka na wife na ile jamaa –
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Prof hayuko. Tumetembea kedo dakika twenty ndani ya msitu. Ita polisi, SAA HUU!
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Mzae, utalipa hongo ujibu mbele, ama utazika mama watoto. Aibu ama kaburi? Apa, ni kuwow.
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Wapigie tu. Sikati simu.
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00.19am
-screams- -gunshot- -gunshot- -gunshot (lady voice) Nisai– -gunshot- -gunshot-
-panting-
Mzee! Mhesh! Ume–! Wako?
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-Screaming now- Wife! Ame–!Ame! Ghai!
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Fuck fuck fuck!
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Ate?! -more gunshots-
Ghaaaai! Wamenicheki! Mabeast wako? MABEAST WAKO?
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-gunshot- Aaaaaah! Sikufi leo, walahi sikufi leo! Skufi! Skuf-
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-gunshot- JEHOOOVAAAAAH! Mbisia nisaidie! Sikufi juu yako aki!
MBISIAAAA–-gunshot-
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-footsteps- -gunshots- -dial tone-

Sunday 13th Oct, 2013

Prof Okoth: Nonsense! There is no proof! Those are lies!
Police woman: Na hiyo ndiyo ripoti kutoka bwana Mbusia
Prof Okoth: I will not take this Bullshit. Useless! There’s a class waiting for me, get out of my way.
Chief: Punguza Moto Prof. Tuliza.
Prof: But–
Chief: Nani ankuchunganga? Si ni mimi. Hizi si vitu za kuwaka moto. Ni kuelewana tu na utarudi job, mara moja
Chief of Police: Prof, wewe ni rafiki. Kubali tu kabla kesi iende mbali
Prof Okoth: What are you talking about? Those claims are proposterous! Ati who is that again?
Policewoman: Mheshimiwa Mbisia
Prof Okoth: The aleggedly attacked and killed–

The police woman kept her lazy eye on Prof. Okoth till he put the piece of paper aside. He removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Prof Okoth: With all due respect madam, why is this piece of paper sitting in front of me?
Policewoman: Ah, Prof, tusijifanye watoto hapa.

He ran his hands in opposite directions along the edges of the mahogany desk.

“Well, you are the one being childish if you ask me. Walking into my office with grandeur and flinging a piece of paper that has been doctored to seemingly incriminate my prestigious name in my face. I don’t know what’s going on here, and I don’t think I care.”

“Tusichezeane akili. Prof. Mheshimiwa Mbusia, alitutumia hii karatasi na kaudio tape fulani a few days kabla yeye mwenyewe adisappear. Ati ni transcript ya phone conversation alirecord ya kijana fulani alikuwa amelipa afuate bibi yake. Alikuwa na allegations noma sana kuhusu vyenye bibi yake na huyo kijana walitokomea. Allegations ambazo zinakuhusu wewe, wafanyikazi wako na kampuni fulani kutoka Armenia.”

Prof rapped on his desk, shook his head and chuckled. “Ah, Kenyans. An this is supposed to shake me? I will not accept these stupid allegations. I will not take this, BULLSHIT”

They stared at each other for a while before Prof reached into one of his drawers and pulled out an envelope. He shuffled through the contents of it, opened another envelope and moved some notes to the first envelope. He licked the envelope seal and handed it to her.

She took it and while maintaining eye contact ripped the top of it open. Her lazy eye lingered on the corner of his desk. She thumbed through the notes and stuck the envelope in a duffel bag she had with her. From it, she removed a huge inkpad and stamp. Still maintaining eye contact she pulled the file he had read from and landed the stamp heavy on it. CASE CLOSED. She threw everything back in the bag and stood up. Prof stood up with her too.

“Ahsante sana for your cooperation Prof.”

“Anytime, the pleasure is mine. And please don’t forget to pick flyers for my new clinic at the reception. We’ll be having a free breast checkup on Saturday. ”

She picked up her bag and walked out of his office.

“Have a good day!” Prof called out.

“Huyo wa Labour anakuaga amesota, tuombe for once itakuwa a good one ukweli.”

Oprah Oyugi is an upcoming filmmaker based in Nairobi, Kenya. She hopes to write stories and films that depict and look into the true lives of Kenyans and Africans. Check out her website: http://www.oprahoyugi.com to see what she gets up to.